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2005-01-31 - 2:53 p.m. Saturday night I came home from a very late lunch with some friends around 8:30. I took of my shoes, jacket, and hat, stored my umbrella and plopped on the couch. I was bored. And I don�t mean kind of bored, I was bored out of my skull. I had just spent 3 hours with 3 couples and one single (Jadem, and he doesn�t count since he likes being single). I called Mr. Fashion and wished him well on the big soiree he was hosting that night at his house. I wished for a moment I could be there with him. Then the thinking started; always a danger with me. It may be a clich� but I decided to make a list of pros and cons about leaving Europe and going to be with Mr. Fashion. Wow, I can�t believe I just admitted that. This is hard because I think I am now self-censoring because he wants to read the blog and I have a feeling I will cave and give him the address. Don�t say I didn�t warn you. You know, as I write this I have decided, just now, to not give him the address. This is my journal, things can be read and mis-interpreted and I don�t want to start that ball rolling. My life is pretty good, sometimes even great. I have good friends, a cool flat (and an even better one waiting for me in Berlin), a good business plan to put in to place with Piglet, etc. Do I need Mr. Fashion? No. Do I want Mr. Fashion? Yes. Yes, I do. But through careful examination I worry that I want what Mr. Fashion represents, more than I want to be with Mr. Fashion the person. If I leave Europe, that is a huge step, huge. What if we end up like Mike and I? Then I am back in America, looking for the next one. Geesh, it all sounds so clinical (Virgo coming through). Does he make me laugh? Yes, but not as much as others have. Is he kind? Yes, extremely. Is he smart, together, through with his bullshit? Yes, very much so. Is he affected, to a fault, by a past relationship? No, his long term ex and he are still very good friends (although, thank God, the ex lives in the UK) Does he want kids? Yes. Do I make him laugh? Yes, very much. Is he too overbearing? Well, know here is a major truth: When I was with Mike I wanted him to be overbearing, and he wasn�t, he was more the �Bean, stand on your own 2 feet� type. I use to wish he would just �handle� things. But he didn�t want that role. And now, here I am with Mr. Fashion wanting that role�.and I don�t dig it. I tried to extend an olive branch of truce to Mike on Saturday, after I had made my list of pros and cons. I called his mobile phone (I had to look up the number in my book, that was weird), but he didn�t answer, and he didn�t phone back (see a few entries ago). I guess it would have been weird to ask him his opinion, but he has usually given good advice, and honestly, I miss him. I miss that friendship where I felt safe enough to ask any question and even though he may have laughed at me, he would still give me an honest answer. It�s different with my long-term friends; they give one-sided advice that is pretty non-committal in the end (and, duh, of course they do, who wants the responsibility?). Anyway, so here�s the real kicker (Grady, Piglet�no comments): I think I am in love (no, like) with someone else. Oh, I know they say lightening doesn�t strike twice, but I have a feeling it can. When I hear his voice, I get a similar feeling in my stomach that I got when I first spoke with M, it�s a gut reaction, it�s something that drives my curiosity, it, well�.it feels good. The bad part is, we�ve never met. He asked me recently if he could come to Berlin, he wrote a very nice email, filled with the same kind of questions and feelings that I had for him and he acknowledged that it was odd to make a trip to Berlin, but he really wanted to, he feels something. It was oh so reminiscent of those first few conversations with M. But it was also much bolder than what M and I went through when we met, this is crossing the Atlantic�.makes me think he�s a dreamer too. And it didn�t scare me; I welcomed it. This is a scattered entry, I know. I guess I am just thinking out loud. PS: Flood � I am so very, very sorry. I read your post, and I just want to offer my condolences. I am thinking about you! � � 
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