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18.02.05 - 05:40

It�s 4:40 in the morning and I am sitting in the dark, writing this. Thanks to Apple for building this powerbook with a backlit keyboard, otherwise I would have to turn on a light since I can�t type worth a damn. I watched Calendar Girls last night, it was cute, I cried. I�ve been crying a lot lately, not bawling, or breaking down, just little tears that escape when my heartstrings are tugged. It seems like anything pulls at me, I was watching Primary Colors yesterday and even cried at that. It feels a bit weird, for the longest time I couldn�t cry anymore, it was as if the high doses of anti-depressants blocked all the silly day-to-day emotions, it took catastrophe to make me cry, and there isn�t a whole lot of catastrophe in my life. Now, pill free, I wonder if all those emotions are going to be let loose, allowed to surface, to run amok.

I�ve arranged a few �coffee dates� with some fellow queer men that I�ve been emailing with in Berlin. Makes finding new friends rather easy, although 1 in 3 are probably just looking for one night stands. Eric and I went out for a final meal last night, it was a bit of a blah evening; I wasn�t in the mood for his doe eyes and constant questions about the move to Berlin. Jadem called as we were having coffee, THANK YOU, and I was able to wrap the evening up quickly. Poor Eric, I so know the feelings he�s going through, but he just isn�t the right man for me. I honestly think he thought we were going to spend the night together, c�mon pal, if I won�t date/sleep with you before, why would I two nights before I leave? I seem to be missing that easy sex gene; it�s just not me. It blows my mind sometimes how Jadem, Roland, Johann & Teddy all sleep around, it�s the hunt they love, I am sure, cause sex with a different person every week (or in some cases a few different men each week) just can�t be all that satisfying. I jokingly told Roland once as he left the Carre one night �Don�t kiss on the mouth� and he said, �Only if I want to see him again�. God! How do their minds work? I was kidding! How can you be intimate without intimacy?? I sound like Charlotte from SATC. Am I really that prudish? Yes, I guess I am. But it�s not prudish, I just want something different.

I have a friend in A�dam, Willy, (a journalist) that has been with his partner for 5 years, the other night he told me they have an open relationship. What happened to that meaning that they share their deepest thoughts, that they communicate honestly and openly at all times? When did the open part just refer to the bedroom door? How do you go home to your partner smelling of another man? I couldn�t take that. But is it better for him to just cheat? I don�t want to write about this any longer, it bums me out. Willy thinks my paranoia stems from concern about HIV/AIDS, he said I would feel different if HIV/AIDS didn�t exist, I responded oh so eloquently by saying �Uh, no, bullshit, has zero to do with it� he refused to believe me, going on and on about I am shutting out my sexuality, etc. Then I brought up the NY Times article about the new strain of HIV � Super HIV! Now packed with more efficient and faster onset of AIDS! Act now, operators are standing by! Or if the lines are busy, join a crystal meth group in your area! And don�t forget to NOT use a condom like 55 fucking percent of gay men! It�s quicker if you take it up the ass and there is no pesky latex to block our new Super HIV Strain!

55 percent don�t use condoms? With one night stands? While on drugs? The new patient zero had unprotected sex with hundreds of partners within a few months time. I feel so bad for him, what pain was he trying to hide from? And it�s not like anything is going to be done, no education (don�t have sex!!) about safe sex, or about the risks of drug use. No, nothing will be done because the bush administration pretty much hates the queers anyway. If bush even does acknowledge it, it will only be when he tells his broker to buy more stock in the Acme Coffin Company.

Here comes wave 2, won�t be the big dramatic punch as the recent Tsunami, but it will have the same effect.

Stupid people. Mr. Kramer is right. We�re going to kill each other.

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