|
05.03.05 - 22:24 And so it is. Lots of feelings, and am not so sure how I am doing handling all of them. But here�s the truth: everyone is too busy, or so it seems, too busy for me. It leaves me with a new feeling, a new outlook. Perhaps it is late in coming, but it�s here. It�s only my life I need to worry about. I spent my Saturday evening making phone calls, yes, the opening of my German phone line has prompted me to make many phone calls to America. And so it is. You are all going through your own lives, and I get it. I am not sure if I want to, but I do. What I am is simple. A man, a man with a cute, amazing dog. A man alone. A man all alone in a city, country, where he knows no one, has no friends, no buddies, no pals, no boyfriend, nothing. A man alone. If Paris was a test, Berlin is the final. Standing on the balcony of my apartment I watched the people walk down Swinemunder Strasse and, not surpringingly, they walked mostly in pairs. And I stood, alone, observing them. I bought a package of cigarettes today (when in Rome), and as I stood on the balcony, from my voyeurs perch, I lit the first one (tasted like dirt, really). Not interested in making this a habit. But it gave me something to do while I watched, while I watched all the couples, and the small families of three (2 adults and a stroller) walk by. And so it is. Tonight I spoke with my Mom, my Dad, my Aunt, my friend Nay, my friend Grady, my friend Dani, my friend Foxie. And so it is. Each call left me feeling even more alone. When my phone rang a bit ago I thought it was my friend Mac returning my earlier call, but it turned out to be a guy here in Berlin, a guy I had been emailing with from Paris, he invited me to go out with him tonight. And I said no. And so it is. But I gave myself a moment of joy, a moment of happiness that he had called. A complete stranger had made the effort to invite a new Berliner to a party. Silver lining? Well, I don�t know. I admit I know nothing. �We sure miss you�, my Dad said. �I miss all of you too�. I lied. And so it is. What I miss, what I miss, are those days on the beach when I was a child�.I miss those days when my cousin and I would have kite flying contests on the beaches of Maine in the summer, and when we would board the plane in Boston, headed towards the West Coast, headed towards home. We knew where we were going, we knew in 6 hours we would be finished with our 3 month vacation, we knew we would be going back to the West Coast, we would know�.what it is. � � 
|