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09.03.05 - 13:14

Inside my mailbox yesterday was a �We came to deliver a package to you and you weren�t here� slip from FedEx. But I was here.

I called the German FedEx office and asked for an explanation.

�They could not ring you, the intercoms of the building were not working� said the worker

�I know, it�s a brand new building and they haven�t been installed yet. What do you suggest?� I said

�I suggest you make sure they are working tomorrow and we will be able to deliver the package,� said the worker

�What am I, an electrician?� I snapped �It�s a brand new building, come up with another idea!� I said

A bit taken a back the woman said, �Well, you could go to the office and pick it up.�

I hesitated for a moment, I wasn�t sure if I wanted to be nasty or accommodating. The ridiculous part is, if they got in the front door (which they did because the mailboxes are INSIDE in the lobby) then they can also get on the elevator, go to floor 3, and walk down the hall and knock on my door and give me the damn package.

But I wasn�t in the mood to have a pissing contest, in German, with what I was sure was a direct descendent of Eva Braun.

Plus, I was curious to get the package.

�Fine, give me the address� I said, adding �I will pick it up myself�

Toting this huge box home on the bus, and then the subway, (their offices were clear across Berlin by one of the airports) I was excited to see what was inside. Having nothing else to do today I resisted the urge to rip it open on the bus and decided to wait until I was home, I could draw out the suspense that way.

Voila!! It was a box of stuff from all my former co-workers! There was tons of American junk food (Mother�s Animal Cookies, Betty Crocker Brownie mix, etc), pictures of my former co-workers, pictures of their little kids (almost every woman in my dept. had a baby in the 2 years I was there) and best of all a behemoth stack of magazines! People, US, Time, and even a stack of trades -Hollywood Reporter and Variety. I could immerse myself in �the business� for a good few hours!

As I thumbed through my first Variety I got a little nostalgic for the movie business, just a little. Geez, had it not been so long ago that I knew all this stuff? That I knew all the films in pre-production, in production, the deals that were being made?

Sherry Lansing resigned??

I use to read the trades every day, and make mental notes of cool projects that were up for grabs.

Running with Scissors is being made in to a film (God, what�s that going to be like?)

I felt like such an outsider.

Not wanting to go down memory lane I switched to US Weekly.

What trash. I am serious. After I got through the first one I called Grady.

�Who or what the fuck is a Jessica Simpson?� I demanded

�You know who she is, she�s married to Nick (something). They have a show on MTV, Newlyweds� he answered

�Ok, I vaguely remember reading something about that before I left, but this chick is on almost every page of US magazine, I mean every damn page� I said

�Yeah, she�s a media whore� he answered

�Please tell me she�s not a gay icon, I don�t think I could stomach that.� I said

�No, she�s not� he laughed

�I mean; she has no class! She�s got a line of �tasty� bodies creams and stuff that�s available at Wal-Mart� I shouted

�It�s Walgreen�s,� he corrected

�I am scared to death you know that� I said

�When I first saw this ad I thought she was a transvestite� I said

�No, not trannie, just trash� he said

�I am feeling even luckier that I live in Europe. What the hell is happening in LA? I mean, this magazine is just one plug after another for various designers, perfumes, jewelry�What happened to the allure of movie folk? Since when can you wear the same stuff as them? I don�t want to see teenagers wearing Chanel, or Prada, they have to pine over this shit for years until they get out of college and get their first shitty entry level job and then work their way up until they can afford to over-charge their American Express. They can�t have this stuff now!!� I was shouting

�Dude, I hate to break this to you, but you are getting old� Grady says

�I am not so old that I can�t see that Jessica Simpson looks like a horse! For fucks sake I thought she was a transvestite� I reply �Paris Hilton I could handle, I mean she�s a train wreck that is just fun to watch. But this Jessica freak is scaring me. I believe more solidly now than ever that aliens exist.� I say

�Maybe you should put the magazine down,� Grady urges.

�Yes, ok, you are right, this isn�t good for me to get so worked up.� I say.

�So how�s Berlin? Better week so far?� he asks

�Yes, it�s ok. Other than a little �incident� at a Museum, things are ok. I still don�t have my furniture from Paris here yet.� I said

�Damn, you need to get on them.� Grady says

�I know, I know� I say, but then I glance at another of the US magazines and read a banner caption ��I trust Nick� Jessica explains!�

�Hey, I gotta go, there�s someone at the door� I lie

�Let me guess, a transvestite alien� Grady says

�Yes, with a horsey face� I say �Bye�

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