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12.03.05 - 13:30 Fame is a very funny thing, odd really. I actually don�t know anyone who is famous (not counting criminals). As I was thumbing thru one of the People magazines sent to me by folks back at my �ole job I started to play a real life game of six degrees of separation with myself to see if I was, in fact, six degrees from someone famous. A friend of a friend once had a one-night stand with Moby (I am sworn to secrecy on details). So, that�s 3. Kirsten Dunst once stole my seat at The Whiskey. But I don�t think proximity to celebrity is really the game. So, that�s 0. An old friend of mine�s brother was (is) the lead singer in Helmut. So, that�s 2. A very good friend of mine dated (for a while) one of the cast members of Angel. So, that�s 2. But does it still count? They broke up about a year ago. I was in a relationship with an Academy Award winner. (Made for nice banter �Can I touch your Oscar?� �Is my Oscar the biggest you have ever seen?� Stuff like that.) But he wasn�t famous, he was on the production side (JP, if you are reading, you were famous to me!) but the director/star of the film was. So, that�s 2. Another friend use to baby-sit Charlie Sheen (when he was younger, dirty minds), but again, it�s not like they hang out now. So, that�s 0. I once had a slew of phone calls with John Lequizamo. But that was work related. So, that�s 0. As are all the other work related celebrity encounters. Geez, I am not doing too well. David Schwimmer once stepped on my foot when we were on line at the WB commissary. Again, a 0. Btw, that man had a tray LOADED with food. Oink. But he did say �sorry�. A friend of a friend seriously dated (we all thought they were going to get married, until he dumped her) Mekhi Phifer (sp). I�ll give myself 2 on that, because he dumped her within the last year and they could reconcile, ya never know. I once slept with Matt Damon. So, that�s 1. Anne Heche and her husband were often in my Bikram Yoga classes at home. I know I wasn�t �friends� with them, but when you take Bikram classes and the room is heated to 100 degrees, you start to sweat A LOT, and so, as it pools on the mat and on the floor below you, it will eventually stream to the person next to you and mingle with their sweat. And really, what is the definition of friendship if it doesn�t include sweat mingling. I will (generously) give myself a 1 for that. A friend was once a friend of Jake Gylenhaal�s (sp). But actually, she was kinda stalking him. I will give myself a 1.5. I would give myself 2, but when the police get involved you need to automatically deduct at least a half of point. One of my best friends is the lead singer in the band The Telegenic (check them out online, I think you can download samps). I definitely get a 1 on that. I listened to J Lo�s new single today. I get 1 for that. I fantasize about Tom Sizemore beating me up and getting further domestic battery charges filed against him. I show up in court with a huge black eye and my arm in a sling, but in a gorgeous Christian Dior black suit and a crystal blue tie. Right before the verdict I shout out from my seat �Throw the book at him!� then (torn between my undying love, my physical pain, and my fear for my life) I break down in tears. I am helped out of the courtroom by a very muscular and bi-curious sheriff�s deputy, he gets me a drink of water in the hall and pats my knee, well, my inner thigh really. It�s actually one of my favorite fantasies. Quite erotic. And Tom goes to prison, which is a whole other set of fantasies. This is a definite 1! I sometimes tell people here in Berlin that I am Julia Roberts�s personal assistant, but she has just exhausted me to the point of breakdown and now I am in hiding here. I get 1 for that. Tom Jones once kissed the panties that my Aunt threw onstage in Vegas (she�s a step Aunt really, no one in my bloodline would do something so tacky). I will take 2 for that. I devour Famous Amos cookies when I buy them. I get 1 for that. Hey, I am actually really good at this. I laughed (guffawed) when that baby face Chad Lowe cried when his man-bride Hilary Swank won her first Oscar (ripping it away from the very deserved Annette Bening for American Beauty). I guess that�s really a 0, if I am to play fair. Speaking of American Beauty. Kevin Spacey once repeatedly hit on one of my straight male friends. And let me tell you, Mr. Spacey does not take no for an answer very lightly. He is a borderline text-messaging maniac. That is defiantly a 2, because if straight friend was gay I could say I had a friend who slept with Kevin Spacey. And since we all secretly think he let Kevin blow him for money I am really going for the 2. (CF, if you are reading, I am sorry, but we do, that�s why we always ask you about it when you are plastered. It�s ok, tell us the truth, no judgment�it was Kevin Spacey for fucks sake, we just want to know details). I dreamt about Penelope Cruz last night, I get 1 for that. Pamela Anderson once threatened to have me fired because I chuckled (ok, with some snorts and knee slapping) during the marketing presentation for her disastrous attempt at feature film stardom with Barbed Wire. I didn�t know she was sitting in the back of the conference room. Way to have my back co-worker shitheads. I get 1 for that. Any time a celebrity singles you out for a firing it is an automatic 1! I fantasize about smacking that shit eating grin off of Jim Carrey�s face. I get 1 for that. Oh, and lastly: I am, after all, me. So I give myself a 1 for that. Hey, I didn�t do too badly. Ok, I lied about the Matt Damon thing. � � 
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