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2005-02-11 - 2:46 p.m. Tomorrow is the last day I take my meds (for my brain), I have been following the weaning process rather strictly and will be free of all serotonin enhancers by Sunday. Good move? Or total mistake? I am going with good move. It�s been over a year, yes, I felt the changes, but I also saw them (aka, the weight gain) and I am glad I made the decision to go off them. Now is the time to take what I have learned while on them, and put it into practice. Not the easiest of tasks, I am sure. I have been mind-fucking myself a lot lately, in line at the boulangerie, if I feel crowded at all, I wait for nervous sweat, for the shifting of my weight between my feet; so far none of it has happened. Admittedly I do feel a little more conspicuous, I don�t know why, especially when I am walking Junior, is it my imagination or are people looking at me? However, I silently remind myself that I TOO deserve a place in this world, that I am allowed a sense of being, that I have a place at the table. I flip flop on the growth, that is, I flip flop on the credit for the growth. Eating in restaurants alone would have, at one point in my life been impossible, but was it the drugs that made it now possible? Or is it that I am older, and I don�t care? Or is it that I don�t notice people eating alone in a restaurant and so therefore have realized that no one is noticing me? I wonder sometimes if my whole decades long neurosis was really just an inflated ego? It�s all very interesting to me now. So caught up in �me�; was anyone looking at me, was I funny enough in the meeting, did I say the right thing to impress the date, am I thin enough, am I cute enough, am I, am I am I. Too much me, I, me I. No one gives a shit. Just live your life Bean. This is me, for better or worse. Oh, to be honest there are parts I miss, and probably will miss for a while. Sadness has always been my comfort zone, my safety net. Always drawn to the sadness and dark stories of the past. Looking back I have to catch myself from feeling ridiculous. I don�t need to add that to my life, the embarrassment of past breakdowns, of crying jags, of downright theatrics. It�s in the past. A silly analogy, but I read this interview with Madonna and they asked her about the film �Truth or Dare�, she said she looks back at it now and cringes, she can see just how immature and young she was, even though she was in her early 30�s when she made it. I totally understand that, although I am making a conscious effort to forgo the cringing, yes, there are things I did, said, etc. that I would, and could, cringe over in my past, but what�s the point? I stopped taking the pills because I want to see what this man is made of. Piglet voiced her concerns and waxed on about �it�s a chemical imbalance� etc. Maybe she�s right, we will see, it�s not as if I couldn�t ever go back on them. But I am going to try my best to be the man I know I can be without medicinal support. I want to feel things again, and if some of those feelings are sad, then so be it, no one said every day was going to be a perfect one, no relationship is going to be perfect, no business or career is not going to have it�s share of up�s and down�s. I want to feel all the feeling. I can handle it, truly, and this isn�t some manic episode where I feel like I can tackle the world, I have my worries, especially about the move, but they aren�t insurmountable. This is my life, and the only one who has to be proud of the way it is lived is me. This is my life, I report to no one. I am responsible for my own happiness, and finally, I trust myself with that task. � � 
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