03.03.05 - 15:09

I think I am having a moment. Well, I don�t think I am; I know I am. There is a weird feeling running through me and I can�t quite explain it. It feels something like this:

What the fuck am I doing in Berlin?

Really.

What the fuck am I doing here?

I don�t know anyone.

And once again: What the fuck am I doing in Berlin?

Let�s add to that: What the fuck am I doing with my life?

It�s not the snow (every day for 2 weeks), because I prefer snow to rain

I have been mostly visiting Museums, strolling the city (and it�s not so compact like Paris, a stroll can go on forever), and watching movies on my laptop at night.

What am I doing?

I have a sneaking suspicion that I am missing America. Just a bit. Just a tiny bit. Ok, I admit, maybe quite a bit. I miss LA, I miss my friends, and I miss my restaurants that I frequented on a regular basis. I miss�I miss�I miss�Oh God, what do I miss. I miss it all. I miss being on the same time zone with everyone. I miss the sunshine and warmth of LA (although I know it�s been raining like the apocalypse there lately).

In my defense, I have been sitting on the fucking floor for 10 days now and that was getting old on the 3rd day. I don�t feel like shopping, I don�t feel like going out, I don�t feel like much of anything.

And then, today, I got the creepiest feeling. I was just sitting here, and I just got the chills. Like something was wrong, something I can�t figure out. I looked at Junior who was sleeping next to me (the floors of my apartment are heated, she loves to lay down and warm herself, she doesn�t even sit on her blanket I brought) and she was snoring lightly, nothing is wrong with her. I don�t know. I think I am having some kind of anxiety or emotional �episode�.

What the fuck am I doing here? How is any of this benefiting me?

Last night (oh, I got my house phone installed, as promised, on Tues. am) Dani called me and we talked for an hour. I was kind of poking around the bush with her, asking her why she thought I was here �Bean, you are having life experiences! Do you know how many people would be doing what you are doing if they could? If they had the time, the money, and the opportunity? Do you?� she asked. She wasn�t trying to make me sound ungrateful; she was just trying to point out the bright side. Then she added, �I would love to be in your situation�.

Oh, it�s hard to not sound like a spoiled brat. I know I am a lucky fellow, but, and I say this with truth and not wishing for any pity, I can�t feel my own life. I really can�t. And it�s been that way for years.

I couldn�t help but remember the comment Grady made to me once a few years back. I had just taken a new gig in San Francisco, it was at the height of the Internet rush and money was flowing out of companies like water. My original boss (and mentor) from �Movie Studio X� was now the head of the creative dept. for one of �Number One Software Company�s� new TV divisions and would I be interested in relocating and working for her again.

When I first met her I was on the bottom rung of the ladder (I had only been with �Movie Studio X� about 3 months, I think I was about 24) and was answering phones, filing artwork, reading talent contracts and then proofing billing (i.e. Julia Roberts name must be 150% of the title treatment of the film, Ms. Roberts name must not be on the same line (it must be higher) than any other talent names, Ms. Roberts name must be in a color that is variable in contrast and shade than the title treatment of the film for all color pieces, Ms. Roberts name must appear in all advertising (except trade or consumer strictly concerning Award announcements or Award solicitation type) where any other talent name appears, blah blah blah) basically your all around slave type position. My opinion was never wanted, solicited, or even valid. One day, this woman asked me to handle the art direction for a series of postcards that were being sent out to distributors to push a film. I have asked her many times over the last 12-13 years, why she gave me that chance and she candidly responds with �You were nice, and friendly, and I knew any carrot I offered you would chase after. Plus, the coordinator in the dept. was out sick that week and the project was too small for anyone else!� She does not mince words. Cut to, 8 years later and she had shepherded me through the ranks, she had been the VP of my dept. since I was a complete novice, and everything I knew I had pretty much learned form her. And best of all, along the way, we had become friends.

So here I am, with her on the phone, and she is asking me to join her in this new adventure (she left the movie studio about a year before I did). She tells me bluntly that there is a crisis going on in SF / Silicon Valley with regards to top talent, so many of the big companies are losing their great people to the start-ups that the big companies are making amazing deals. She then tells me I can write my own ticket, and that I should take advantage because the bubble won�t last forever. I ask her �How much of an advantage?� She answers with �Just stay a tiny bit below greedy and you won�t have any problem.�

So I took it. I made an awesome deal with the company, more than knew I was worth. I asked for, and received, a ridiculously high signing-bonus when I signed the contract, 2 fully paid weekend trips for me to return to LA anytime within the first year (home visit they called it), full service packing and moving of my house in LA, 4 months of paid housing while I leisurely searched for a place to live in SF, an additional balloon bonus if I stayed one day over one year, a fistful of stock, etc. It was gross. But everyone was singing bigger and better contracts and mine was small potatoes compared to most.

Immediately I went out and bought a brand new BMW roadster (I had to talk myself down from buying a Porsche), found a $3000 per month loft to live in downtown SF, and took Grady to London for a long weekend just to see a play. I was in it, I was happening, I was crazy. When Grady got back to Seattle after London he was telling a friend of his about it all, and the friend said �God, I would love to have Bean �s life, even for just one minute�. Upon Grady telling me this I hit the wall. Face first. Do not pass go, go directly to the breakdown. Why? Because I was miserable. Because the one thing I wanted (and still want) is the one thing I can never seem to hold on to. Grady came to visit after I had been in SF for about 8 months, and as we talked about his life and my life I realized �I can�t even feel my life�

And now, here I am 5 years later, and I feel that way again. Circumstances are very different, I don�t work, I don�t have much money, I don�t buy 2 pairs of shoes from Neiman Marcus every other Saturday (a ritual I performed in SF, every other Sat I got my head shaved (nearly) in North Beach and then on the walk home treated myself to shoe shopping in Union Square) I budget, I eat at home mostly (or takeaway) and many other changes.

As depressing as it gets me, I know that the time period where I finally felt my life was with him. That feeling, even after months of going out, when I would see his name on caller ID, when I would wake up in the middle of the night and just check to see that he was still next to me (and he was), the quick trips we took together and our silly little rituals when we would first enter a hotel room, how we would take forever to get ready in the mornings, lounging on the bed (him watching MTV and me just lying peacefully), his smile, his laugh, his over use of the phrase �You know, what you should do�, his perfectly matched to mine sense of humour, his goofy dancing when we were alone in his or my house, his hands, oh I loved his hands, the way he would reach for my hand to hold when ever we were driving, his incredible politeness to anyone serving him: bus person, wait staff, shoe salesperson, anyone. His obsession about his weight, his love of ice cream, and the way he would ALWAYS play with silverware at a table. No, he wasn�t perfect, but he was to me. I didn�t love everything about him, but for the first time in my life I had a boyfriend that I loved enough to let the other stuff just roll off me (and �rolling things off� is not an easy thing for a double Virgo).

Last night I admitted to Dani that I miss him, more than I had realized, and more than I thought possible. Being the super supportive friend, she reminded me of a few things, but even then I was still able to overlook the negative. I asked her about the stomach flip, how long since she had felt it. Laughing she said, �Honey, if you get the flip with 2 different men in your life consider yourself blessed�

Today, as I sit here and write this I have to admit I want the flip, but I want the original flip back. I want the flip I had with him.

You know, the removal of all those anti-depressants from my system (it�s been over 2 months almost) is probably what is putting me (or pushing me) in to this depression/melancholy mood, but I don�t want to take them any longer. I guess I have to let the emotions run their course, and I think that�s probably why I am missing him so much right now. For so long I couldn�t really grieve the loss of the relationship because the pills just wouldn�t allow it. Now I realize I still love him. Always have. And I guess I need to admit that I probably always will.

I hope he has found great happiness, I hope he is �feeling his life�, I hope�well, I just hope he thinks about me every once in a while�and I hope it makes him smile.

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