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11.03.05 - 10:21 Every day I walk past Zionskirche, it�s a huge, old (surprise, surprise) church situated, appropriately, on Zionskirche Strasse. I walk by it every day (usually more than once) because it is only 3 blocks from my flat. Pretty much all roads to Bean lead past Zionskirche. Today, while the snow came down oh so lightly, I decided to go inside Zionskirche. �I think I will see if they have confession going on,� I thought to myself, that would be kind of fun. Not being Catholic I wasn�t really sure how the whole �Confession� program really worked. But I saw Agnes of God and Superstar, so I figured I could just wing it. As I walked up the steps I wondered if they were going to ask me for my Catholic ID card, or worse, �the password�. I figured my answers could be �I left it at home� and �Pope John, James, William, Henry, Peter, Paul, Mary�� eventually hitting the right word and gaining entrance to the little room with the wood screen and the mighty, devoted to God, non-sex having, priest on the other side (I told you, I saw Agnes of God, I got this down). Inside there were a few people sitting in the pews, but no priest was up front. Lucky, I thought, this must mean he�s in the little room, now I just need to find it. Remembering Superstar I walked along the sides of the church, opening and closing all the doors (there weren�t very many) I could find. Nope, no little rooms with the kneeling thing and the wood screen. Hmm. Walking along the front I took a moment to take in the whole structure of the church, and the temple (alter?) with all the candleholders and chairs facing the congregation (now consisting of 7 elderly German women). Since it was around one in the afternoon I thought maybe the priest might be at lunch, damn, I so wanted to do this. Then I saw a lady in a long skirt, wrapped in a dark coat, she was coming up the middle aisle right towards me, maybe this is a female priest, I thought, a Nun! I could ask her to (perform?) do it? But no, she sat down about two aisles from the front, nope, not a Nun. As I lingered up near the front, watching the (now 8) women pray, or was that one in the back napping?, I thought maybe they were waiting for confession too, and were just praying/napping to pass the time. I didn�t think it would be polite to disturb/wake any of them to ask, so I decided to head out. At the entrance/exit I caught sight of him! The priest, in long coat and a wool hat. �Hallo, Guten tag� he said to me. �Hallo, Ich habe eine frage� �I have a question,� I asked. �Yes� he answered, �What time is confession?� I asked, �We don�t have confession,� he answered. Oh, no confession Wednesday, geez, now I look like the imposter I am. �Well, when will you have confession?� I asked. And then the priest did the strangest thing, he kind of glared at me, see, I blew it with not knowing the no confession Wednesday thing. �We never have confession, we are not a Catholic church,� he said, rather sternly. OOOPS Ok, the only way out of this is to use my �I�m an American, my German is very elementary, get out of non-Catholic church free card� Switching to English, I say �Oh, my God, I am so sorry, I didn�t know, I can�t read German, I guess I didn�t see it on the sign� OOOPS
1) Lied in a church. 2) Took the Lord�s name in vain in a church. As the Priest? Man? Minister? Bishop? Guy? Looked at me, he let loose a small smile, I assumed this was because he was going to show me to their waterslide to hell I was about to be pushed down because of my two aforementioned sins. �Ahh, Amerikaner, so, you look for a Catholic church, you can go to Berliner Dom, on the island of museums� he said. �There you will find (and even though he wasn�t Catholic, I assumed he was going to call the Priest and let him know a doosey of a sinner was on the way and to set at least an hours time aside for my confession) a Catholic church and the confession you seek� Seek? What is this, 215 A.D.? Who uses seek? Chalking it up to his limited English I thanked him profusely and scurried out, but not before he could add �Mitt Gott Laufen� (Walk with God), it wasn�t really a blessing, more of an order. Too lazy to walk to Museum Island, and not really in the mood for my fake confession anyway (I really just wanted to see if it felt good after, like a long drink of water after a hard run) I decided to go home. Back in my flat I was looking at the frosted glass door that separates my living room from the hallway, while Junior was bouncing all over me excited that I was home, and this gave me an idea. �Junior, I am going to go in the hallway and shut the door for a minute, you stay here in the living room� I said. Then I did just that. Junior was curious to see why I had shut the door so she was standing directly on the opposite side, I could make out her silhouette perfectly. �Junior� I began. �I would like to confess some things to you� I continued She did nothing. Much, I imagined what a priest would do when you began. �I buy expensive Aveda hair products and I am nearly bald, this is an extreme waste of �I just lied, I won�t stop, ok, no more lying during confession� �When I eat Sushi, if I am alone, I sometimes put Wasabi on my finger and then lick it off, making my eyes runs, I like the burn� �I am a re-giver. I sometimes (often) re-give gifts to friends that I have gotten free from vendors (when I am working) and I don�t tell them� �When I haven�t called a friend in a while, I will call and say �Either you are really busy, or you need to get a new secretary, because you haven�t called me back in a week� then they assume/think I have left messages I haven�t� �I still wear the Prada flip-flops/slides I bought in Hawaii 6 years ago, but only inside my house, and they are a wreck� �I have gained 12 pounds since moving to Europe� �I don�t like houseguests, there are some (few) exceptions� �Ok, 16 pounds� �I sometimes tell lies to make people feel good about themselves� �I am, somewhat, materialistic.� �But in a good, not snobby way, I promise� Junior, now really curious to know what is happening, scratches at the door. �Just a minute� I say �I am almost done�, I mean, really, I am not that much of a sinner. �I laughed out loud to my friend Job when he told me his wife was taking a ballet class (she�s 38)� �I told her I didn�t when she told me Job had said I did� �I laugh when people trip on the sidewalk� Junior barks, and I assume she is laughing at this one, c�mon, who doesn�t chuckle when they see someone bite it? And lastly. �When I am almost out of dog treats, and it is raining/snowing outside, I break your treats in half� As I turned and looked at the frosted glass, I see Junior has walked away. Maybe the last one was too much; maybe she can�t absolve me of all my sins. Maybe this last one being so heinous she had to go and sit on her blanket and think about it for a while. Scared that not only the Man from Zionskirche, but now my own dog, saw me as a faceless sinner, not redemption worthy, I opened the door and shouted �I�m done, that was it, it�s not so bad is it??� Looking up from her water dish, Junior wagged her tail and then stretched and yawned. I guess my sins aren�t all that bad. Just boring. � � 
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